Self-Silencing vs. Quiet Influence: Navigating the Fine Line

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you questioned whether staying quiet was a form of strength or simply holding yourself back? It’s something many of us grapple with, and there’s a powerful difference between self-silencing and quiet influence. Recognising which one we’re leaning into can make all the difference in how we show up for ourselves and others.

When Staying Quiet Feels Right

We all encounter moments when speaking up doesn’t feel necessary. Perhaps we’re in a group setting, and someone makes assumptions about us, and we choose not to correct them. Maybe it’s because we sense that they’re projecting their own journey or struggles onto us, and we decide it’s not our job to set them straight. That’s where the concept of “quiet influence” comes in.

Quiet influence isn’t about letting others walk over us or becoming invisible. It’s about recognising that we don’t need to prove ourselves or defend our worth to anyone. It’s a form of self-assuredness where we understand that our value isn’t diminished by someone else’s misconceptions. It’s that sense of inner calm, where we know who we are, regardless of whether others see it.

When Silence Becomes Self-Silencing

But there’s another side to silence that many of us have experienced—self-silencing. It’s that feeling of wanting to speak up but swallowing our words because we’re afraid of being judged, rejected, or seen as ‘too much.’ It often comes from a place of fear, insecurity, or the belief that our voice doesn’t matter.

Learning to Recognise the Difference

Recently, I found myself in a situation that brought this contrast into sharp focus. Someone I interacted with began to describe me in a way that didn’t align with who I am or the experiences I’ve had, almost as if they were seeing a version of me that wasn’t truly there. It became clear that this person didn’t have a full understanding of my journey or the work I’ve done over the years.

In that moment, I realised my choice to remain silent came from a place of quiet influence, rather than a need to correct or explain myself. I recognised that this person was projecting their own journey, aspirations, or beliefs onto me, and there was no need to challenge their perception. It wasn’t really about me; it was about them seeing a reflection of their own story in mine. That’s where the power of quiet influence lies—it’s the ability to stay true to ourselves without seeking external validation or feeling the need to fit into someone else’s narrative.

The key to understanding whether we’re practising quiet influence or falling into self-silencing is tuning into our bodies and emotions. When we’re embodying quiet influence, there’s a sense of calm, ease, and inner strength. We feel at peace with our decision to stay quiet because we know it aligns with our truth.

In contrast, self-silencing often leaves us feeling tense, uneasy, or even resentful. It’s that nagging sense that we’ve compromised our voice or allowed someone else’s perception to define us. If we’re left with that feeling of “I should have said something” or “Why didn’t I speak up?” then it’s likely that self-silencing was at play.

Navigating Tricky Situations

Sometimes, we’re surrounded by individuals who seem to be silencing themselves, and it can make us question our own choices. I recently observed someone who often seemed to withhold their voice, hold back their emotions, or even view themselves as less than they truly are. It made me wonder if my choice to stay quiet in certain situations was the right one. Was I practising quiet influence, or was I merely mirroring another’s self-silencing behaviour?

Our environments can have a huge impact on how we see ourselves. But what I realised was that being quiet doesn’t always mean we’re silencing ourselves. It’s about intention. If we’re choosing silence from a place of strength, compassion, and self-assuredness, then we’re practising quiet influence. If we’re staying silent out of fear, insecurity, or the need to please others, then it’s time to question whether we’re self-silencing.

Embracing Quiet Influence in Our Lives

The next time we find ourselves in a situation where we’re tempted to stay quiet, let’s ask ourselves: “Am I choosing this silence, or is it being chosen for me?” We can listen to our bodies. Are we feeling a sense of relief and calm, or are we tense and uneasy? By tuning into these signals, we can start to recognise whether we’re acting from a place of quiet influence or slipping into self-silencing.

Ultimately, our voices matter, but that doesn’t mean we always need to use them to prove our worth. Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is to stand in our quiet strength, knowing that our value isn’t dependent on others seeing it.

When was the last time you stayed silent? Did it come from a place of quiet influence or self-silencing?

Are you curious about exploring the difference between self-silencing and quiet influence on a deeper level? Join us for The Art of Quiet Influence intensive from 25th to 27th October. This immersive experience is designed for professionals, holistic counsellors, coaches, and practitioners who want to develop a stronger sense of quiet influence in their work and lives.

Throughout the intensive, we’ll dive into practical techniques, reflective exercises, and interactive sessions to help you recognise your own patterns and cultivate the art of quiet influence in a way that feels authentic and empowering. It’s an opportunity to refine your ability to hold space for others while maintaining your own boundaries and inner strength.

Whether you’re looking to deepen your practice, enhance your leadership skills, or simply connect with like-minded professionals, this intensive will provide you with the tools and insights to embrace your quiet power. If you’re ready to explore this transformative journey, I’d love to see you there.

PLUS, whenever you’re ready, there are 2 ways we can work together:

Want to learn to lean into the art of Quiet Influence? Join me at the next intensive.
Sign up for one of our current courses at ASHC and get taught by my team of advisors and me. All our courses are internationally and nationally industry-approved and will equip you with all the tools to open up your own professional private practice.
Need help with standing in your power as a woman in leadership? Apply for one of only three spots as my private client.

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European Institute for Gender Equality. (2021). Gender equality index 2021: Sweden. https://eige.europa.eu/gender-equality-index/2021/country/SE
Forbes. (2020). Why women don’t always support other women (And how to fix it). https://www.forbes.com/sites/ellevate/2020/02/10/why-women-dont-always-support-other-women-and-how-to-fix-it
Harvard Business Review. (2019). Research: Women score higher than men in most leadership skills. https://hbr.org/2019/06/research-women-score-higher-than-men-in-most-leadership-skills
McKinsey & Company. (2020). Women in the workplace 2020. https://www.mckinsey.com/featured-insights/diversity-and-inclusion/women-in-the-workplace
Victoria State Government. (n.d.). Gender inequality affects everyone. https://www.vic.gov.au/gender-inequality-affects-everyone
Workplace Gender Equality Agency. (2022). Australia’s gender equality scorecard. https://www.wgea.gov.au/publications/australias-gender-equality-scorecard