Want Deep Emotional Freedom? Stop Trying to Control Your Emotions!

The common wisdom tells us we should “control our emotions” and “choose how we respond.” Viktor Frankl famously said, “Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing—your freedom to choose how you respond to the situation” (Frankl, 2006). But let’s be honest. When we’re in the grip of intense emotions, that freedom to “choose” can feel like a far-off ideal.

Trying to control our responses to every emotion isn’t realistic, and chasing this kind of control is a losing game. Real emotional freedom isn’t about achieving perfect calm or stifling our feelings to fit a model of how we “should” respond. It’s about something much harder—and much more honest.

If we want true freedom, it’s time we face a confronting truth: our responsibility isn’t to control our emotions but to accept them, to let them be what they are, without trying to reshape them into something else. This isn’t about suppression or putting on a brave face. It’s about accepting every messy, raw emotion that arises—even the ones we’d rather ignore. Our emotions exist for a reason, and if we’re honest, they often point us toward parts of ourselves we’d rather not see.

True freedom starts with accepting that we can’t always control our emotions, but we can choose how we relate to them. That’s the real responsibility: to stop fighting what we feel and start facing it.

Emotional Responses Are Not a Choice—But What Comes Next Is

Emotions are often out of our control. We’re wired to react, and sometimes those reactions hit us out of nowhere. You can train all you want to stay calm, but the reality is that intense emotions will still arise. Anger, sadness, fear—they don’t politely ask for permission before they show up.

This isn’t weakness; it’s human. Trying to deny or control our emotions is like trying to outrun our own shadow. The truth is, we need to stop fooling ourselves that “freedom” means perfect composure. Freedom, instead, comes from our ability to choose what we do with our emotions, not whether we feel them in the first place.

As Kabat-Zinn (2005) explains, resilience lies not in suppressing or avoiding difficult emotions but in observing them without judgment. This shift in perspective allows us to engage with our emotions as they are, without needing them to be different. According to Brown (2012), embracing the discomfort and vulnerability that often comes with raw emotions is what allows true resilience to take root. When we give ourselves the freedom to accept our emotions fully, we create space for meaningful change and growth.

Responsibility to Accept Vs Control

Let’s get something straight: Responsibility doesn’t mean putting on a brave face and pretending everything’s okay. Responsibility means having the courage to sit with our emotions, to admit they’re there, and to let them exist without needing to fix them. This is where most people get stuck. They think taking responsibility for their emotions means controlling them, as if they were things to be conquered.

True responsibility requires honesty. Can you face your anger, your sadness, your fear—without needing to change it immediately? Can you give yourself permission to feel without rushing to decide if those feelings are right or wrong? As Neff (2011) notes, self-compassion allows us to acknowledge difficult emotions without the burden of self-judgment, creating the mental space for true healing. That’s where the power lies, in that space of acceptance. It’s uncomfortable, it’s confronting, and it’s real.

When we accept our emotions fully, we free ourselves from needing them to be different. Ironically, this acceptance is often what opens the door to perspective shifts, to seeing the situation from a new angle and finding our next step forward. But that shift doesn’t come from forcing ourselves to feel differently; it comes from surrendering to what’s actually there.

The “Freedom to Choose” Misunderstanding

Many people latch onto Frankl’s idea as if it’s about control, but it’s actually about surrender. Frankl wasn’t talking about denying our emotional response; he was pointing to a deeper freedom—the freedom to face ourselves without resistance. In reality, the “freedom to choose” is less about controlling what we feel and more about choosing how we respond to those feelings. And sometimes, that response is simply accepting that we’re angry, that we’re hurt, that we’re afraid. This is the space where real growth begins—not through suppression, but through facing ourselves exactly as we are.

This acceptance doesn’t mean we’re resigned to feeling a certain way forever. As Seligman (2011) emphasises, cultivating resilience and well-being is rooted in our ability to acknowledge and work through our emotional experiences, rather than bypassing them. When we can see our emotions clearly without resistance, we have the freedom to decide how we want to move forward, even amidst emotional turmoil.

The Responsibility to Act from Intention, Not Reaction

Once we’ve allowed ourselves to feel fully, we can choose how to respond in action. This doesn’t mean we ignore our emotions; it means we take them into account without letting them dictate our behaviour. It’s possible to feel anger and choose not to lash out, or to feel sadness and still take meaningful action.

When we separate our internal experience from our external action, we find real power. We allow ourselves to be fully human—emotional, flawed, and alive—while also choosing how to act from a place of intention rather than reaction. This is true responsibility, grounded in acceptance rather than control. Linehan (2015), in her work on dialectical behaviour therapy, highlights the importance of balancing acceptance with intentional action, creating a pathway for growth that honours both our emotions and our values.

Facing the Reality of Emotions Without Judgement

Our culture tells us that some emotions are “better” than others, but this judgment is what often keeps us stuck. In truth, every emotion has value. The discomfort we feel when emotions like anger or fear arise doesn’t mean we’re broken; it means we’re alive. Responsibility is about embracing this full spectrum of experience without turning away.

The hardest part of this work is letting go of the need to control, to fix, to resolve every feeling immediately. The real challenge, and the real freedom, lies in allowing emotions to exist within us without letting them run our lives. And this is a freedom no one can take away from us—not life’s circumstances, not other people, not even our own inner critic.

The Freedom to Be Fully Human

So, here’s the reality: Freedom isn’t about controlling our emotions; it’s about embracing them without becoming them. It’s about choosing our actions with intention, even when our internal world feels chaotic. Viktor Frankl’s idea of freedom isn’t an invitation to deny ourselves—it’s a call to face ourselves honestly and then decide who we want to be, no matter what we feel.

In the end, responsibility means giving ourselves permission to be fully human. It means choosing to accept our emotions as they are, to see them without judgment, and to respond from a place of integrity. This is the freedom to be real, to be alive, and to create meaning in the midst of life’s inevitable challenges.

A Confrontation with Ourselves

Taking responsibility for our emotions in this way isn’t comfortable, but it’s powerful. It requires that we confront ourselves, admit our vulnerabilities, and let go of the illusion of perfect control. Real freedom is messy, raw, and honest. And in accepting this, we don’t lose anything; instead, we gain the clarity and courage to navigate our lives with intention.

So, the next time you’re overwhelmed by an emotion, remember: You don’t need to control it. You only need to see it, to face it, and to decide what it means for the way you choose to live. That’s where your real freedom lies.

References

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.

Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man’s search for meaning. Beacon Press.

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2005). Wherever you go, there you are: Mindfulness meditation in everyday life. Hachette Books.

Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.

Seligman, M. E. P. (2011). Flourish: A visionary new understanding of happiness and well-being. Atria Books.

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